Sunday, November 29, 2015

Another rape post

I live in a country where child abuse was rife, alive and well in a church that had enormous social control, and which was protected by the Vatican. Police turned a blind eye. Church officials turned a blind eye and moved the abusers to new parishes, fresh pastures of innocents. Parents met accusations of abuse with physical violence. We're terrified our children might get abducted; stranger danger! but the horrible truth is, with this legacy of abuse, children are far, far more likely to be abused in their homes, by family members or friends, than by any dangerous stranger with a car and a bag of sweets. Statistically.

I also live in a country where marital rape didn't exists as a crime until 1990. Nineteen ninety. My friend who is now in her eighties told me a story of being in hospital after the birth of her first child, and hearing the woman in the next bed being visited by her husband - for a conjugal visit. He came into maternity hospital days after she'd had a baby, to fuck her. Ever had a baby? Can you imagine?

I think Stoya's terrible revelation on twitter last night, that James Deen raped her while they were still together, is profoundly unsettling. It calls into question everything I believed about kink. I've never been naive enough to think that there aren't abusers out there calling themselves dominant. It's all too clear. But James Deen stood for something, and was this daddy-figure for all sorts of adoring teenage girls who think they want what he's offering.

And, shit... what's he really offering, if he can rape a woman he loves, a beautiful, intelligent, articulate, important woman like this... one slip of the facade, one decision to let go the responsibility for your sadism that must be so tightly reigned in...

 I have sympathy for people who feel these urges, not just the urge to play, but the real, vicious need to delight in pain you cause others, reagardless of their wants and needs. But we can't validate it if you're going to let go control and fuck it all up for everyone. Especially when your whole career and brand depends on presenting it as safe, sane, consentual. The mask slips and ... it's all called into question. Our support of kink; of porn, too. Much as I want to watch that stuff, no way do I want to get off on it if it's real.

It's a fine line, yes, and maybe an unfair one. But still, it's the one you have to tread if you want to be respected. And so many people do, right? It's hard, but they do it? Because they're good human beings who are horrified at the idea of putting their own base desires above their partners' physical and emotional safety. A safeword should be an instant cause for alarm, concern, de-bonification. It shouldn't be a turn on to override it. Because if it is, you're not kinky, you're just criminal. You're just a shit person who indulges their sadism at the expense of others without a care.

I think every learning Dom will make mistakes. People talk about how hard it is to be submissive, but I'm not sure. Personally, as someone with fuck all control over any aspect of her life or self, the level of control and organisation it takes to be a real dom amazes me - I can't imagine it. So... I wouldn't do it. But there's mistakes, and there's rape. There's a huge, yawning gulf between the two.

There will always be much 'let him defend himself/did you report it then?, innocent til proven' etc. etc. bleating in these cases. Certainly, false accusations can be life ruining. It's the playground of the mysoginist though, to decide to dismiss a rape claim because it can't be proven. I feel genuinely afraid of what's to come for Stoya, and absolutely understanding of why she hasn't come out with this before now. And I understand absolutely why people (everyday people, let alone porn stars who like rough sex) are reluctant to go to the police. Because it's a gauntlet of cruelty and misery they may face when they do. BDSM and misunderstanding of it cloud your right to protest against rape. There ain't that much understanding of the difference out there. And there's a whole heap of victim blaming bullshit - not to mention that post listing endless names of police officers convicted of rape in the US - the people you're reporting to are the abusers too. It's terrifying.

It may suck, but to me, the vulnerability of a rape or child abuse victim is far more fragile than the vulnerability of a man wrongly accused of rape. Foremost, because that's actually so rare. I'm appalled at the idea of false accusations, but I think the people who rant about them are blind to the misery of what it takes to accuse. They have no idea. And they also have a vision of women (and often children) as malign and manipulative in a way that harks back to fairy tales of old. They want wicked witch queens, it's easier than facing what our world is.

But tough... there's a hell of a lot more rape out there daily than there are false accusations. We desperately need to frame a different response. And how should Doms respond? The ones who get turned on by rape scenes, by tears... I'm not sure, because I feel the ground shaking too. I agree with Stu, that James Deen needs to man up, admit, accept consequences, and above all, apologise unreservedly, if he wants to make this right. He's being very silent on the matter - I assume he's lawyering up, I dunno.

I do feel naive and disillusioned, as a supporter of good porn, and kink, as someone with alternative sex-wiring... it does make you wonder if all the positivity is real, is possible. Whether the whole leather tower will come crashing down in an explosion of human foibles at some point. We're weak and imperfect. We fuck up. And we're all so vulnerable.

Communication is key. After-talk. Humility. A stripping away of barriers and borders and self-protection. Be honest, be ready to listen, be keen to fix. With this, mistakes don't become dire things that hurt the people you love forever. They are containable, and enable change and development. This is the only way to frame it for yourself, I think, if you are a Dom who's feeling doubts about the validity you've built around your needs. At the end of the day, if you're reacting to this news with alarm, with disquiet, with disappointment, you're doing ok.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Speaking of rage...

So I have an elementary student from a foreign clime who asked me about treatment for thrush, saying she felt too ashamed to go to the doctor. I told her she didn't have to, and how to fix it, and that it wasn't neecssarily an STD, and said there was no need to feel ashamed at all. 

She told me the shame was from sexual abuse earlier in her life and mentioned it in one other context too. 

She's depressive, and is missing swimming and surfing like she does at home, which is her outlet and mental health guard. Her other teacher invited her to go away for the weekend surfing, an she was really delighted - a chance to have fun and get back to her passion that keeps her grounded. 

Instead, she messaged me on Sunday to say that she got drunk on Saturday night when she shouldn't drink as it doesn't agree with her. And that she woke up naked next to her class mate that she's been being friends with, who's Brazilian about hugs but who she's not interested in romantically. She was horrified and ashamed and put her clothes on and ran away. She WhatsApped him to check that he'd used a condom (she couldn't remember anything at all, but could tell she'd had sex), he said he had, but she couldn't be sure. 

Even though she's blaming herself for drinking when she's not used to it, she was able to tell me that she'd explained to him that she didn't sleep with men because of her past experience. Which seems pretty clear cut to me. Yet when she was so drunk she'd blacked out, he took her to bed and had sex with her. 

I know it's complex, she doesn't know what she said or did or agreed to. But the fact remains that whatever it looked like, she was in no state to go back on her initial statement that she wouldn't have sex with him, because she doesn't sleep with men. She's 26, it's been 12 years since her original abuse happened, whatever it may have consisted of - but that means she was 14 then, and she's probably never had a consentual adult sexual relationship with a man ... but he took it upon himself to decide that he was that guy. While she was black out drunk. 

So her beautiful gift of a weekend away gets turned into a re-experiencing of her earlier trauma, and she gets to try and process the fact that she's been raped, again, while so very far from home and having nowhere near enough English to talk to anyone about it. 

I've found her a nice counsellor with 'some' Portuguese, I've brought her to get the morning after pill, just in case, and sent her home alone to deal with the ensuing sickness. I've had the guy moved to another class so she doesn't have to sit there looking at him. And I feel frustrated and impotent and full of rage. 

If I had a superpower, it would honestly be to extract all her feelings of shame and panic and violation and dump them right on him. All the memories of what happened when she was a girl, all the guilt and regret and nausea and humiliation from the weekend and the way it must feel reawakened all over again - and the way her time away studying English has been soured and made into something traumatic and difficult and awkward and full of grief and fear. I would take all that, and fuck it, her depression and family difficulty too, and I would drop it on him from a height, and let him feel it instead of her. 

And then maybe he'd get some perspective about what exactly having a fuck at someone else's great expense is worth. And maybe he'd listen harder next time, to the girl who's told him something that should have been respected, instead of listening to his cock. 

I get that we through rationale out the window when we're horny and drunk. We throw caution to the wind and we think fuck it, and we do things like cheat, or fuck strangers, we do things we know we'll regret. 

But we shouldn't do things we know the other person will regret. If someone tells you they don't want to sleep with you and gives you a very good reason, you don't bulldoze over that just because they're drunk and they've stopped saying no. Even if you want to have sex with them. Even if it looks like they want to have sex with you. This guy, he's not 16. He's a grown man, with a small daughter. And right now, I'd love him to understand, in technicolour pain, what he's done.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Beards and funny

I have yet to kick my tube porn habit, despite Stoya's eloquent laying out of the obvious problems with them. I'll confess this as penance at the start of this little story because it comes from something I saw thereon. I suppose I shouldn't post it and encourage anyone with similar habits.

Here's a pic of the Mr Pretty instead

Jordan Levine

The other day I watched a vid of two gay guys having quite a sweet, kissy time with each other. I've been rekindling my Logan McCree-inspired love of gay porn stars of late - beards and cool haircuts and tattoos and smooth tastiness. I hope gay guys don't mind being fancied from afar by women approaching middle age. Do you think they do?

Anyhow, at the end of the vid, the guys are being asked post-scene questions. He's lying there comfortably, basking in post orgasmic calm with his own spunk still on his rippling belly, and his partner's asked what he likes about him - he says his tats, and his beard (yes indeed, me too) and Jordan smiles and says sheepishly, 'It grew back' and goes on to tell a story about the same director asking him to shorten it for the last scene he did. He says his scene partner wanted to trim it for him, 'but he had the clip down too low, and buzzed it all off... so I rage-fucked him.' And all three of them crack up laughing, and his white teeth are all shiny and perfect. I wish I had a little clip, It sounds alarming out of context, but it's just really funny. And his voice is so deep and cute. It had me laughing out loud. 

Sunday, October 11, 2015


@seblogofsorts lippy competition - what an evocative and powerful word this is, conjuring up memories of formative years. The only contact I've had with the famed magazine in decades is reading irate or hilarious posts and complaints on its dangerous anti-feminist messages and terrible, horrible sex education. There was a time, though...

 When I was a girl, it was not quite the nineties. I started secondary school in 88, and finished in 94 (after a repeat year where I met my husband had more sex than I'd ever had before - or since, incidentally). It seems like such a short stretch of time. How did I fit all those growing up experiences into 88-94?

Back at the start of that period, things were different. American Pie hadn't come out yet, there was no tantalising Magical Book of How to Get Girls Off and the boys I knew at 15 didn't know what clitorises were. Boyfriend: where do you liked to be touched? Me: er, here? Him: that's a funny place!
Unpleasant, arrogant other 15 year old to me and best friend: do you frig yourself? Me: (inner sigh, debates round of anatomical education for group pf boys in garden at party: ...Yes. Best friend, uncomfortable: No. Me: inner sigh again.

But it was different for girls. Long before I'd ever had a cock in my mouth, I'd read up on Best Blow Job Techniques for Girls in the form of Cynthia Heimel's Sex Tips for Girls and the ubiquitous Cosmo. While the idea might have still made me uncomfortable, I had studied, oh yes. No one knew how to make me come, but once I'd got used to touching penises (which was scary at first - strangely, my 13 year old best frenemy had no issue touching them, but wouldn't let anyone finger her, while I was all good with that but was scared of releasing the trouser snake. I don't know why. Performance anxiety brought on by reading too many sex tips? Who knows.)

It's a further inequality between the sexes that I think has largely changed (no small thanks to American Pie, perhaps,  and as far as I know, Men's mags like FHM etc, are thronging with articles on the Secrets of the Clit (though now women are irate about men's 'I'll sort you out, little lady' attitudes towards their own prowess. It is, I know, hard to win).

Fifteen... we've talked a lot about teenagers' sexual agency and how age laws in erotica do them such a disservice, essentially cancelling out young people's experiences and desire at a time when their engines run ten times hotter than yours, or yours, or yours. Do you remember? The burning, flaming, distracting desire? We could power the world on teenage horniness, if we harnessed it instead of suppressing it and jeering at it.

I had fumbling, secure, utterly non-orgasmic sex with a very beautiful, hazel eyed, read headed boy when I was 15. He had a gorgeous cock, too, larger than anyone else's I've seen, the first time I knew that quintessential velvet-hardness, in my hands, on my tongue. He was the first person I went down on too, and I loved oral sex, embraced it,  was pathetically grateful for it. He boasted about it to friends in the supermarket one day and everyone wondered 'Did She Really??' which was odd, as weren't we all at that stage? Not quite. But I'd grown out of squeamishness by then, and god, oh yes, I did.

One day I wandered under the duvet, traced my tongue over his soft, white, boy's belly, impossible distances of smoothness, before finding his curling red hair (we all had pubes then, and we didn't worry about them - it was great) and happy, heavy cock, waiting for me. I don't know what happened that day, but there was some sort of magic coming-together of skill and experimentation. I slid him into my mouth and sucked and stroked and moved up and down on him, in that cave of warmth and skin on skin; it was the first time we'd taken all our clothes off. I was lost in no-time, dark and the smell of him and the feeling of him in my mouth - his hardness and my concentration - the work. And the freedom of our tentative nakedness. It was beautiful.

I didn't have TMJ problems then, but my jaw finally tired and I birthed myself back out of the duvet and into the light to find him lying, light headed, stunned, dizzy with arousal and surprise at the heights of sensation he'd reached. I asked him if it was good, and he said,
'Good?? Didn't you hear my breathing? And I didn't even come!'

I didn't used to be down with face fucking. I thought it was unfeminist. I thought blow jobs were all about being in control, back then. And, sometimes they are. Beautifully so. The power and pleasure of being able to make someone writhe and their breath rasp in astonished ecstasy is a deep and special one. I was proud of myself. I loved his cock. The study had paid off. I gave good head.

Monday, July 20, 2015

random words

Often as I'm drifting off to sleep, my head writes things. Sometimes they're coherent and I like the language, so I struggle out of my comfy half sleep and write them down.

I just one I filed away the other week. I do remember writing it, but I have no idea what the larger idea was, or what earthly use it will ever be to me.

So I'll just stick it here as written.

This is why I don't write long form work...

I lay in my little bed in the cottage and listened to the arythmic bump and scrape and shuffle of the boat bobbing against the dock. Gradually the impact grew more rhythmic, and when it was accompanied by a soft groan I realised it had been assimilated into the sound of my sister having sex in the room next door.
I listened dispassionately. Really, I thought, I’m too young to be exposed to this sort of thing.
That wasn’t actually true. I was of an age to start finding out. My friend Cally had recently thrown herself into sex with an exuberant energy, her enthusiasm and willingness to learn making up for her inexperience. She shared her newfound knowledge with me in whispered snatches and I reacted appropriately, smiled and filed it away in some later to be opened box in my mind.

I couldn’t imagine being bothered. Not with Cally’s smoke and cider scented Darren or the grimy construction workers who filed into the pub on Thursday and Friday evenings, cement dust greying the rough lines on their fingers.

Who might this ingenue teen find to explore her desire with? A billionaire dom? A vampire? Some class of lesbian? I've a horrible feeling it might have been her sister's boyfriend, now that I think about it, but I can't remember why. Hmm. 

Thursday, July 16, 2015

An Open Letter To George Hook

Dear George Hook,
So in this article, you seem to be saying you didn't say what Nuala Nic Dhomhnaill thought you said about implied consent in a relationship. Instead ... this is what you meant... 

So now you are sharing a bed with someone and obviously a sexual congress takes place on a regular basis, because you're living with somebody. Now is there not an implied consent therefore that you consent to sexual congress?" he asked.

Yeah, the difference isn't very clear to me. But why is it so hard to fathom the idea of consent? Why would being in a relationship imply consent at all times? Didn't we make marital rape a crime (finally, in 1991 - seems that before that they thought it might get in the way of 'reconcilliation')? Not that it's made much difference, as we've still got shit like the case you've been pontificating on, or this one that popped up when I went to search for the criminalisation date, because I couldn't *imagine* it could have been as late as 1991.
You're not alone in this either, George. Possibly because men of your age and attitude are still the influential voice of the coutnry. 
But back to the complexity of the issue, George... if you're in a relationship, consent is implied, eh? What if they're having a poo, George, is consent implied then? Or if they're sick with a fever, or they've just hit their head. Or maybe if their parent's died, and they're too sad to say no clearly... would implied consent still work then, because you're living with them?
What if you're living with them but you're not actually in a relationship but you had sex once before? Is consent implied then, if you never officially withdrew it?
Yes, George. You need consent Every Single Time. And you don't fuck anyone when they're asleep unless they've specifically asked you to and you've agreed the terms. It's scary to me that people have trouble with that idea. Have a wee look at this handy cartoon if you're still confused. Please.

Sunday, June 21, 2015


When it comes to kink, I know exactly which side of the sub/dom line my inclinations fall. Control is something I'm lacking, not that I revel in. Tie me up. Tell me what to do. Take that cake away from me.

But... but... what does appeal about switching, I realise, is the opportunity for access. To have an open invitation to touch. Call it neediness, call it a Taurean desire for tactile contact, call it dyspraxic impropriety, explain it however you will, but oh, to be able to hold your hand, to squeeze your butt, to slide my hand between your legs whenever I want. To run my fingers through your hair, stroke your cheek, put my mouth on you, put my tongue in your ear, slap you, pinch you, penetrate you, knead you, need you... this is the appeal. Oo, gimme.

Yes. I would love an open invitation to be grabby. To own you. Not 24/7, but just to be able to revel in you, and not sit on my hands all the time, wondering if it's ok to touch. To stop worrying about sensibilities and boundaries and propriety and whether or not my affection or my desire will upset or intrude or discomfit.

The more I think about it, I realise how intensely personal this post is. I was going to make it writery, but I'm not sure I can. There are too many things bound up in it - too much stymied need that Freud would have a field day with it (yes, I just need to suck something, ok?). Perhaps it has to do with lack of love in childhood, or the experience of growing up less than attractive, feeling like the consolation prize. Fat girls are so grateful for the crumbs of attention you throw their way, isn't that how it goes? And then choosing a life partner who wasn't that into physical contact or PDAs...

And anyway, while I may not be great at self control and routine, I do revel in being bossy. So god, yes, strip and get face down on that bed, please, and grant me a pass, open up, let me play.